Before You Start Solving...

When someone expresses a problem, it’s tempting to start solving immediately, but that’s often not what’s needed.

My wife and I occasionally catch ourselves doing just this.

One person (the Initiator) might say: “I’m frustrated with ________” or “I’m sad about _________”

The other person (the Helper): “Well, what you should do is ________”

Then we have several back & forths, and still the initiator feels frustrated. 

What went wrong?

What we’ve discovered is that the initiator isn’t looking for a solution. At least not at first.  Because at first they just want to express their emotions with someone as a witness.

"I’m frustrated."

"I’m upset."

What we’ve learned to do is first acknowledge the person and their situation.  Some phrases that work well are:

• "Wow. I get it"
• "Gee, that sounds frustrating"
• "What else is going on here?"
• Or just be silent and listen

Once the initial venting has subsided, the Helper might ask: “would you like some help solving?”.  And the initiator will either say “yes! I’d love some help” or “no that’s not what I want from you right now”.  

Now we’re in a constructive place to move forward.

Before you jump into solving mode, try listening and acknowledging.